As debates continue over the definition of marriage there is another blatant disregard of civil liberties and personal freedoms which receives far less media attention, yet affects an estimated 10% of the nations population, adversely, shamefully and unethically. I refer to the family/right to parent issue that for a conservative guesstimate of somewhere between 2 to 6 million children being raised by gay or lesbian parents is a daily concern of whether today will be the day their family is torn apart.
The Dole proposed constitutional amendment made law by former president Bill Clinton known as DOMA or The Defense of Marriage Act, which, amongst other things, elucidates that states don't have to give attention to the Constitution if they don't want to recognize same-sex marriages that are legal in any other state. Similar statutes are in effect for the gay parental rights that are recognized by some states do not have to be honored in states that do not 'permit' gays and lesbians/couples to have custodial/shared custodial rights. This means that in cases of moving your 'non-traditional' family to a state where parental rights are not recognized for same sex couples custody of the child/children may be challenged, denied or revoked entirely for either one or both parents resulting in the horrifying but very real possibility of the child being removed and placed into state custody/foster home.
It is extremely hard to get an accurate estimation on the number of gay parents or same sex couples due to the fact that many gays and lesbians are not open about their family structure. They do not want to be surveyed for fear of losing their children and rightfully so with such outrageous laws in place that not only denies citizens of their rights but finds it more suitable to remove children from decent and loving homes to an already swollen system plagued with corruption abuse and neglect.
The battle is emotional, fear fraught, and arduous. The opposition to gay/lesbian or same sex couple parenting use tactics such as fear, vulgar propaganda, morality judgments and legal manipulation to break up gay/lesbian/same-sex couple families. Some groups such as the AFA, American Family Association targets private citizens and even business with harassment and boycotting, tactics used to force compliance with their ideologies.
Groups, those such as Focus on the Family and American Family Association lobby state and federal politicians using deep pocket contributions to persuade less than ethical representatives to sponsor, write, vote for or pass motions that impede equality and out right disregard civil liberties.
Thankfully on the opposition,there are a number of families that while not the traditional norm are as normal and healthy as any by comparison, in many case more so. While today's defined traditional family is a 60% plus broken marriage, single parent norm the family we begin our series THE NEW AMERICAN FAMILY is a happy couple with a thriving child that is anything but traditional. Despite tragic beginnings this family remains strong, open, and growing. A brave mother steps forward and shares her story of her non-traditional family, their very real life and introduces us to the NEW AMERICAN FAMILY.
A little over ten years ago, over a family dinner, is where our story begins. Michelle and her partner Margaret are setting the table just as they had been for three years at the time of this particular family dinner. Michelle's two children from a previous marriage wash their hands and take their seats ready to share the events of their day as was the norm in Michelle and Margaret's home. The two mother's listen attentively as the two preteens talk over one another sharing the excitements of school, friends and the bus ride home. Michelle and Margaret wait patiently for the chatter to subside and full mouths give a moment when a topic can be brought up for discussion.
Dinner time was time for family, fun and discussion. And in this family everyone was included in discussions. Michelle and Margaret felt the opinions of everyone in the household was relevant when it came to matters that concerned the family.
Michelle's son, Robert and her daughter, Danielle, from the very beginning of her and Margaret's relationship had been aware that the two women were in a a relationship. The children loved and accepted Margaret just as they did their mother, Margaret was their other mom.
So when the two women presented the idea that they would like to grow their family and have a baby the siblings were excited. A new brother or sister was definitely going to be welcomed in this home. Robert and Danielle agreed that there was more than enough room in their hearts and home for another sibling. Michelle and Margaret were over-joyed with the acceptance of the idea from their preteens.
The two women raised the children with openness and understanding and the two children were aware that their family was not the traditional family. Robert and Danielle's father, very much a part of the children's daily lives, was supportive and never disparaging about Michelle's and Margaret's relationship. So never feeling slighted as far as any love or care there was not a sense anything was missing, a majority of their friends came from divorced families or were being raised in a single parent household so being a non-traditional family seemed pretty normal, better than normal really. Three caring parents and with a new baby on the way the home their home was as normal any other typical American household.
When their new baby brother Ian was introduced to them Robert and Danielle welcomed him wholeheartedly. Michelle's daughter began proudly sharing the news with her school mates that her moms had a new baby and just like any other family welcoming a new born friends and family were excited for the siblings and the new and very proud mothers. Danielle began writing essays on the non traditional family and shared openly the normalness of their lives as a family with two moms and three children. Michelle's son took longer to openly discuss his family but by the time he made it to college his acceptance became more evident and now his close circle of friends includes a gay buddy. Today the entire family is very open and proud of themselves and each other.
All the elements of family were ever present, nothing was ever missing from the children's lives. The love was there the care of two happy parents was there, the norms of birthdays and bedtimes, school functions and holidays was there. Nothing was missing from their lives.
Then tragically on Ian's second birthday Margaret had an asthma attack. Margaret succumbed.
The loss devastated the family. They had for 5 years been as close as any family. The laughter, the fun, the joy and the experiences that they shared streamed down cheeks and rivers of tears pooled to an ocean of memories.
Michelle, heart broken and grief stricken, hadn't time to grieve, she had to remain strong and parent three children on her own now. The loss of their mother Margaret tore apart the childrens' hearts. The family was still solid but the loss of their other mother was life altering.
Michelle and Margaret had planned on more children, the dream of a growing household now gone Michelle lived only to care for her three children. Over time things settled to a normalcy, as normal as anyone's lives could after losing a parent. The two older children made their way through school, graduating and entering college and Ian grew up from a toddler to a youth. The memory of Margaret lived with them and while work and school and life went on like it does, holidays and milestones were bittersweet as Margaret was not their to share in the occasions, but with time hearts mended and what memories remained comforted more than disquieted.
Two and a half lonely years had passed before Michele met Teresa. Tree, as she is affectionately known to friends and family, understood the family's loss and was there to support when times were hard, there to share and be a friend. In time she and Michelle grew closer and became involved. As their relationship developed the older children were happy to see their mom moving on with her life and glad she had found someone with whom she could enjoy life again. Tree's presence was something of an adjustment for Ian who still remembered his mother Margaret. Tree however was not looking to replace Margaret but instead she accepted the living memory of Margaret as a part of the family's life and adjusted to the dynamic. As time progressed Michele and Theresa built a relationship and eventually wed in a civil ceremony in Portsmouth VA. (Although the state of Virginia does not recognize same gender marriages the two are very much a committed couple and exchanged vows in front of friends and family. They, to this day, almost 5 years later still have in their ice box the top of their wedding cake which they will share when their union is legally and officially recognized - freezer burn and all) Welcoming Tree into their lives Michelle and Ian, with the other siblings off to school, became a family of three. Tree has not tried to take on the role of mother to Ian but has developed a friendship with the boy and now the three live happily together in Chesapeake Virginia. Their lives growing and all the richer for having each other. The family is not by today's terms traditional but together they make up THE NEW AMERICAN FAMILY.
Robert completed university and now lives on his own having quite the adventurous life, traveling the world enjoying high adrenaline sports and looking soon to settle down with a young woman. Danielle is still in college and working part time. Her hopes of working in the medical field already being realized as she, like her mother Michelle was, is a licensed EMT. Danielle has a young man in her life, Donnie, and the two plan to wed sometime in the next couple years. Both Robert and Danielle have a great relationship with their father and with Michelle's partner Tree. The young adults are well adjusted and are open minded caring individuals who have benefited from a non-traditional family upbringing, their achievements and successes speak to that. Ian is a well adjusted, bright and out going young man who has a great interest in animals, video games, sports and hanging out with neighbourhood friends. He has a menagerie of pets including a dog, a cat, several rats, fish, lizards and a couple of box turtles. His aspirations are that of a ten year old boy and he has a wonderful close relationship with his mother and his friend Tree.
Please continue to read our family section where monthly we will profile non traditional families and follow up with our friends like Michelie, Tree and Ian as they blog about their lives and keep us updated on the lives they lead, healthy happy and normal, despite being non-traditional - whatever that means - they are a happy all-American family...
