TogetherVA-Family

Each month in the Family section we will feature stories, news, information and interviews relevant to the GLBT family.  In depth interviews with actual GLBT families and family relationship professionals will explore topics on parenting, family dynamics, available resources, as well as, community and legal issues relevant to GLBT families.

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The New American Family, it isn't traditional but it works...

As debates continue over the definition of marriage there is another blatant disregard of civil liberties and personal freedoms which receives far less media attention, yet affects an estimated 10% of the nations population, adversely, shamefully and unethically. I refer to the family/right to parent issue that for a conservative guesstimate of somewhere between 2 to 6 million children  being raised by gay or lesbian parents is a daily concern of whether today will be the day their family is torn apart.

The Dole proposed constitutional amendment made law by former president Bill Clinton known as DOMA or The Defense of Marriage Act, which, amongst other things, elucidates that states don't have to give attention to the Constitution if they don't want to recognize same-sex marriages that are legal in any other state. Similar statutes are in effect for the gay parental rights that are recognized by some states do not have to be honored in states that do not 'permit' gays and lesbians/couples to have custodial/shared custodial rights. This means that in cases of moving your 'non-traditional' family to a state where parental rights are not recognized for same sex couples custody of the child/children may be challenged, denied or revoked entirely for either one or both parents resulting in the horrifying but very real possibility of the child being removed and placed into state custody/foster home.

It is extremely hard to get an accurate estimation on the number of gay parents or same sex couples due to the fact that many gays and lesbians are not open about their family structure. They do not want to be surveyed for fear of losing their children and rightfully so with such outrageous laws in place that not only denies citizens of their rights but finds it more suitable to remove children from decent and loving homes to an already swollen system plagued with corruption abuse and neglect.

The battle is emotional, fear fraught, and arduous. The opposition to gay/lesbian or same sex couple parenting use tactics such as fear, vulgar propaganda, morality judgments and legal manipulation to break up gay/lesbian/same-sex couple families. Some groups such as the AFA, American Family Association targets private citizens and even business with harassment and boycotting, tactics used to force compliance with their ideologies.

Groups, those such as Focus on the Family  and American Family Association lobby state and federal politicians using deep pocket contributions to persuade less than ethical representatives to sponsor, write, vote for or pass motions that impede equality and out right disregard civil liberties. 

Thankfully on the opposition,there are a number of families that while not the traditional norm are as normal and healthy as any by comparison, in many case more so. While today's defined traditional family is a 60% plus broken marriage, single parent norm the family we begin our series THE NEW AMERICAN FAMILY is a happy couple with a thriving child that is anything but traditional. Despite tragic beginnings this family remains strong, open, and growing. A brave mother steps forward and shares her story of her non-traditional family, their very real life and introduces us to the NEW AMERICAN FAMILY.

 

 

A little over ten years ago, over a family dinner, is where our story begins. Michelle and her partner Margaret are setting the table just as they had been for three years at the time of this particular family dinner. Michelle's two children from a previous marriage wash their hands and take their seats ready to share the events of their day as was the norm in Michelle and Margaret's home. The two mother's listen attentively as the two preteens talk over one another sharing the excitements of school, friends and the bus ride home. Michelle and Margaret wait patiently for the chatter to subside and full mouths give a moment when a topic can be brought up for discussion.

Dinner time was time for family, fun and discussion. And in this family everyone was included in discussions. Michelle and Margaret felt the opinions of everyone in the household was relevant when it came to matters that concerned the family.

Michelle's son, Robert and her daughter, Danielle, from the very beginning of her and Margaret's relationship had been aware that the two women were in a a relationship. The children loved and accepted Margaret just as they did their mother, Margaret was their other mom.

 

 

So when the two women presented the idea that they would like to grow their family and have a baby the siblings were excited. A new brother or sister was definitely going to be welcomed in this home. Robert and Danielle agreed that there was more than enough room in their hearts and home for another sibling. Michelle and Margaret were over-joyed with the acceptance of the idea from their preteens.

 

The two women raised the children with openness and understanding and the two children were aware that their family was not the traditional family. Robert and Danielle's father, very much a part of the children's daily lives, was supportive and never disparaging about Michelle's and Margaret's relationship. So never feeling slighted as far as any love or care there was not a sense anything was missing, a majority of their friends came from divorced families or were being raised in a single parent household so being a non-traditional family seemed pretty normal, better than normal really. Three caring parents and with a new baby on the way the home their home was as normal any other typical American household.

 

When their new baby brother Ian was introduced to them Robert and Danielle welcomed him wholeheartedly. Michelle's daughter began proudly sharing the news with her school mates that her moms had a new baby and just like any other family welcoming a new born friends and family were excited for the siblings and the new and very proud mothers. Danielle began writing essays on the non traditional family and shared openly the normalness of their lives as a family with two moms and three children. Michelle's son took longer to openly discuss his family but by the time he made it to college his acceptance became more evident and now his close circle of friends includes a gay buddy. Today the entire family is very open and proud of themselves and each other.

All the elements of family were ever present, nothing was ever missing from the children's lives. The love was there the care of two happy parents was there, the norms of birthdays and bedtimes, school functions and holidays was there. Nothing was missing from their lives. 

Then tragically on Ian's second birthday Margaret had an asthma attack. Margaret succumbed.

The loss devastated the family. They had for 5 years been as close as any family. The laughter, the fun, the joy and the experiences that they shared streamed down cheeks and rivers of tears pooled to an ocean of memories.

Michelle, heart broken and grief stricken, hadn't time to grieve, she had to remain strong and parent three children on her own now. The loss of their mother Margaret tore apart the childrens' hearts. The family was still solid but the loss of their other mother was life altering.

Michelle and Margaret had planned on more children, the dream of a growing household now gone Michelle lived only to care for her three children. Over time things settled to a normalcy, as normal as anyone's lives could after losing a parent. The two older children made their way through school, graduating and entering college and Ian grew up from a toddler to a youth. The memory of Margaret lived with them and while work and school and life went on like it does, holidays and milestones were bittersweet as Margaret was not their to share in the occasions, but with time hearts mended and what memories remained comforted more than disquieted.

 

Two and a half lonely years had passed before Michele met Teresa. Tree, as she is affectionately known to friends and family, understood the family's loss and was there to support when times were hard, there to share and be a friend. In time she and Michelle grew closer and became involved. As their relationship developed the older children were happy to see their mom moving on with her life and glad she had found someone with whom she could enjoy life again. Tree's presence was something of an adjustment for Ian who still remembered his mother Margaret. Tree however was not looking to replace Margaret but instead she accepted the living memory of Margaret as a part of the family's life and adjusted to the dynamic. 

 

 

As time progressed Michelle and Theresa built a relationship and eventually wed in a civil ceremony in Portsmouth VA. (Although the state of Virginia does not recognize same gender marriages the two are very much a committed couple and exchanged vows in front of friends and family. They, to this day, almost 5 years later still have in their ice box the top of their wedding cake which they will share when their union is legally and officially recognized - freezer burn and all) 

 

Welcoming Tree into their lives Michelle and Ian, with the other siblings off to school, became a family of three. Tree has not tried to take on the role of mother to Ian but has developed a friendship with the boy and now the three live happily together in Chesapeake Virginia

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Eldest son, Robert, completed university and now lives on his own having quite the adventurous life, traveling the world enjoying high adrenaline sports and looking soon to settle down with a young woman.

 

 Danielle is still in college and working part time. Her hopes of working in the medical field already being realized as she, like her mother Michelle was, is a licensed EMT. Danielle has a young man in her life, Donnie, and the two plan to wed sometime in the next couple years. 

 

 

Both Robert and Danielle have a great relationship with their father and with Michelle's partner Tree. The young adults are well adjusted and are open minded caring individuals who have benefited from a non-traditional family upbringing, their achievements and successes speak to that. 

 

Ian is a well adjusted, bright and out going young man who has a great interest in animals, video games, sports and hanging out with neighbourhood friends. He has a menagerie of pets including a dog, a cat, several rats, fish, lizards and a couple of box turtles. His aspirations are that of a ten year old boy and he has a wonderful close relationship with his mother and his friend Tree.

 

Their lives growing and all the richer for having each other. The family is not by today's terms traditional but together they make up THE NEW AMERICAN FAMILY.

 

Please continue to read our family section where monthly we will profile non traditional families and follow up with our friends like Michelie, Tree and Ian as they blog about their lives and keep us updated on the lives they lead, healthy happy and normal, despite being non-traditional - whatever that means - they are a happy all-American family... 

Lesbian & Gay Parents & Their Children: a summary of research findings

Lesbian & Gay Parents & Their Children: Summary Of Research Findings

By Charlotte J. Patterson, PhD

origin: American Psychological Association; Lesbian and Gay Parents

Like families headed by heterosexual parents, lesbian and gay parents and their children are a diverse group (Arnup, 1995; Barrett & Tasker, 2001; Martin, 1998; Morris, Balsam, & Rothblum, 2002). Unlike heterosexual parents and their children, however, lesbian and gay parents and their children are often subject to prejudice because of their sexual orientation that can turn judges, legislators, professionals, and the public against them, sometimes resulting in negative outcomes, such as loss of physical custody, restrictions on visitation, and prohibitions against adoption (ACLU Lesbian and Gay Rights Project, 2002; Appell, 2003; Patterson, Fulcher, & Wainright, 2002). Negative attitudes about lesbian and gay parenting may be held in the population at large (King & Black, 1999; McLeod, Crawford, & Zechmeister, 1999) as well as by psychologists (Crawford, McLeod, Zamboni, & Jordan, 1999). As with beliefs about other socially stigmatized groups, the beliefs held generally in society about lesbians and gay men are often not based in personal experience, but are frequently culturally transmitted (Herek, 1995; Gillis, 1998). The purpose of this summary of research findings on lesbian and gay parents and their children is to evaluate widespread beliefs in the light of empirical data and in this way ameliorate negative effects of unwarranted prejudice.

Because many beliefs about lesbian and gay parents and their children are open to empirical testing, psychological research can evaluate their accuracy. Systematic research comparing lesbian and gay adults to heterosexual adults began in the late 1950s, and research comparing children of lesbian and gay parents with those of heterosexual parents is of a more recent vintage. Research on lesbian and gay adults began with Evelyn Hooker's landmark study (1957), resulted in the declassification of homosexuality as a mental disorder in 1973 (Gonsiorek, 1991), and continues today (e.g., Cochran, 2001). Case reports on children of lesbian and gay parents began to appear in the psychiatric literature in the early 1970s (e.g., Osman, 1972; Weeks, Derdeyn, & Langman, 1975) and have continued to appear (e.g., Agbayewa, 1984). Starting with the pioneering work of Martin and Lyon (1972), first-person and fictionalized descriptions of life in lesbian mother families (e.g., Alpert, 1988; Clausen, 1985; Howey & Samuels, 2000; Jullion, 1985; Mager, 1975; Perreault, 1975; Pollock & Vaughn, 1987; Rafkin, 1990; Wells, 1997) and gay father families (e.g., Galluccio, Galluccio, & Groff, 2002; Green, 1999; Morgen, 1995; Savage, 2000) have also become available. Systematic research on the children of lesbian and gay parents began to appear in major professional journals in the late 1970s and has grown into a considerable body of research only in recent years (Allen & Demo, 1995; Patterson, 1992, 2000).

As this summary will show, the results of existing research comparing lesbian and gay parents to heterosexual parents and children of lesbian and gay parents to children of heterosexual parents are quite clear: Common stereotypes are not supported by the data. Without denying the clarity of results to date, it is important also for psychologists and other professionals to be aware that research in this area has presented a variety of methodological challenges. As is true in any area of research, questions have been raised with regard to sampling issues, statistical power, and other technical matters (e.g., Belcastro, Gramlich, Nicholson, Price, & Wilson, 1993; Wardle, 1997). Some areas of research, such as gender development, and some periods of life, such as adolescence, have been described by reviewers as understudied and deserving of greater attention (Perrin and the Committee on Psychosocial Aspects of Child and Family Health, 2002; Stacey & Biblarz, 2001). In what follows, efforts will be made to highlight the extent to which the research literature has responded to such criticisms.

One criticism of this body of research has been that the research lacks external validity because samples studied to date may not be representative of the larger population of lesbian and gay parents (Belcastro et al., 1993). Recent research on lesbian and gay adults has drawn on population-based samples (e.g., Cochran, 2001), and research on the offspring of lesbian and gay parents has begun to employ the same approach (e.g., Golombok, Perry, Burston, Murray, Mooney-Somers, Stevens, & Golding, 2003; Wainright, Russell, & Patterson, 2004). Criticisms about nonsystematic sampling have also been addressed by studying samples drawn from known populations, so that response rates can be calculated (e.g., Brewaeys, Ponjaert, van Hall, & Golombok, 1997; Chan, Brooks, Raboy, & Patterson, 1998; Chan, Raboy, & Patterson, 1998). Thus, contemporary research on children of lesbian and gay parents involves a wider array of sampling techniques than did earlier studies.

Research on children of lesbian and gay parents has also been criticized for using poorly matched or no control groups in designs that call for such controls. Particularly notable in this category was the tendency of early studies to compare development among children of a group of divorced lesbian mothers, many of whom were living with lesbian partners, to that among children of a group of divorced heterosexual mothers who were not currently living with heterosexual partners. The relevance of this criticism has been greatly reduced as research has expanded to explore life in a wider array of lesbian mother and gay father families (many of which have never lived through the divorce of a heterosexual couple), and as newer studies begin to include a wider array of control groups. Thus, contemporary research on children of lesbian and gay parents involves a wider array of research designs (and hence, control groups) than did earlier studies.

Another criticism has been that, although there is considerable diversity within lesbian and gay parenting communities (Barrett & Tasker, 2001; Morris, Balsam, & Rothblum, 2002), research has often focused on narrowly defined samples. Early studies did generally focus on well-educated, middle class families, but more recent research has included participants from a wider array of ethnic and socioeconomic backgrounds (e.g., Wainright et al., 2004). Recent studies have been conducted not only in the United States, but also in the United Kingdom, in Belgium, and in the Netherlands (e.g., Bos, van Balen, & van den Boom, 2003, 2004; Brewaeys, Ponjaert, & Van Hall, 1997; Golombok et al., 1997, 2003; Tasker & Golombok, 1997; Vanfraussen, Ponjaert-Kristoffersen, & Brewaeys, 2003). Thus, contemporary research on children of lesbian and gay parents involves a greater diversity of families than did earlier studies.

Other criticisms have been that most studies have been based on relatively small samples, that there have been difficulties with assessment procedures employed in some studies, and that the classification of parents as lesbian, gay, or heterosexual has been problematic. Again, contemporary research has benefited from such criticisms. It is significant that, even taking into account all the questions and/or limitations that may characterize research in this area, none of the published research suggests conclusions different from that which will be summarized below.1

This summary consists of four sections. In the first, the results of research on lesbian and gay parents are summarized. In the second section, a summary of results from research comparing children of lesbian and gay parents with those of heterosexual parents is presented. The third section summarizes research on heterogeneity among lesbian and gay parents and their children. The fourth section provides a brief conclusion.

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1 A study from Australia (Sarantakos, 1996) has been cited as demonstrating deficits among children raised by gay and lesbian parents in Australia compared to children raised by heterosexual couples. The anomalous results reported by this study--which contradict the accumulated body of research findings in this field--are attributable to idiosyncrasies in its sample and methodologies and are therefore not reliable. An expert reading of the Sarantakos article reveals that certain characteristics of its methodology and sample are highly likely to have skewed the results and rendered them an invalid indicator of the well-being of children raised by gay and lesbian parents in at least three respects: (1) the children raised by gay and lesbian parents experienced unusually high levels of extreme social ostracism and overt hostility from other children and parents, which probably accounted for the former's lower levels of interaction and social integration with peers (see pp. 25-26); (2) nearly all indicators of the children's functioning were based on subjective reports by teachers, who, as noted repeatedly by the author, may have been biased (see pp. 24, 26, & 30); and (3) most or all of the children being raised by gay and lesbian parents, but not the children being raised by heterosexual married parents, had experienced parental divorce, which is known to correlate with poor adjustment and academic performance. Indeed, although the differences Sarantakos observed among the children are anomalous in the context of research on parents' sexual orientation, they are highly consistent with findings from studies of the effects of parental divorce on children (see, e.g., Amato, 2001, and Amato & Keith, 1991). Children Australia is a regional journal that is not widely known outside Australia. As such, it cannot be considered a source upon which one should rely for understanding the state of scientific knowledge in this field, particularly when the results contradict those that have been repeatedly replicated in studies published in better known scientific journals. In summary, the Sarantakos study does not undermine the consistent pattern of results reported in other empirical studies addressing this topic.

Some nonscientific organizations have attempted to convince courts that there is an actual scientific dispute in this area by citing research performed by Paul Cameron as supporting the existence of deficits in gay and lesbian parents or their children compared to heterosexual parents or their children. In fact, there is no scientific evidence of such deficits. Cameron's research is methodologically suspect. His key findings in this area have not been replicated and are contradicted by the reputable published research. Unlike research that makes a contribution to science, his key findings and conclusions have rarely been cited by subsequent scientific studies published in peer-reviewed journals as informing their scientific inquiry. For a detailed critique of the research project on which Cameron has based many of his published papers, see Herek (1998).

Take the time to review the entire report in the online publication from American Psychological Association; Lesbian and Gay Parents

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Photos used in Lesbian and Gay Parenting are courtesy of Family Diversity Projects © Gigi Kaeser from the traveling photo-text exhibit and book, LOVE MAKES A FAMILY: Portraits of Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender People and Their Families.

The 2010 Texas Republican Party Platform says gay people shouldn't have custody of children.1

via glbtomg.typepad.com

No Legal Rights, The Other Mother fights for her Child

   The following interview was recorded live then transcribed by people and with voice recognition software. The reasons for this article not appearing in video or audio and the inclusion of a few noted edits is to protect the identity of the family discussed in this interview. We are sad to have to report that today there is still no answer for this mother as to her legal rights to her child in the state of Virginia. We will continue to follow this story and report what we can about the process and the struggle of this heartbroken mother.

Tell us about the day your child was born.

The day (the child) was born, we knew going into it. She started having contractions. Essentially when she woke up that morning, we kinda waited it out. She had plans of being able to do everything in the world, not being the typical let everybody help us out. We're gonna run errands..we're gonna do this and...so about mid day that kinda changed and I was the typical supporting parent saying "well your contractions are 10 minutes apart. Oh! That looked like a good one, did that one hurt?" Trying to figure out what to say, what NOT to say, finding out what time shall we call the people, let them know what's going on, give them time to get there, or time to let us get into it and then arrive... we enlisted the help of a midwife, had to contact her

"what do you mean we're not coming in yet? no! We're coming in NOW!"

And being told "No, you're not ready yet. And then going into the hospital and it being a good, Catholic hospital and being embraced by everybody was amazing -

Really?

Best experience in the world, and the processes? I could tell the story like it was yesterday. It was the best thing I've ever done in my life. I was, according to my midwife, an amazing partner; supportive and talkative, looking out for the best interest of my family. It was the most wonderful thing in the world. I saw my (child's) head crowning and my midwife, being my midwife, looked at me and...

It was amazing. And then to see (the child's) face and think, My God, (the child) is more beautiful than I could have ever pictured. and then holding (the child) and thinking how could I be so lucky? How did I get this? Why do I deserve this wonderful thing? It was the most amazing thing, and the best thing I've ever done in my life and probably will ever do in my life.

Since that phenomenal day, two years go by and you see this life develop, this personality come to fruition. (The child's) identity takes shape and is reflective of both yourself and your partner. You see parts of yourself in your child. And then you notice your relationship is changing.

Do you feel comfortable talking about the process of realizing that time with your child would be precious?

I realized my relationship had changed relatively soon (after the child) coming home. But there's always the adjustment with new parents, and its hard.. but then you get through it. Your relationship takes the back seat.

That's reflective of all new parents relationships, I think most everyone would agree...

Absolutely. Any new parent.. that's just how it is, so it didn't seem wrong or off. But it continued. A year down the road, it was still off, and it didn't..

...it didn't set in because I had no belief it would ever change. I was just so focused -

Providing for your family.

Providing for my family and things we did as a family which never changed. The things we did as a family until the day they left never changed. We played as a family, we'd run through the house together, we'd play hide and seek. The interaction as a family was normal, but our relationship was never the same. But in my head it never.. I never dreamed I need to start planning for what happens? To this day I still have to pinch myself and realize this is real. This is going on. It just.. until the day they left, it wasn't a possibility that I wouldn't have my (child), that I wouldn't see my (child) on a daily basis; that I wouldn't be part of (the child's) life on a daily basis. It wasn't gonna happen.

Not possible, not plausible...not even a possibility

It was a matter of the relationship is tough right now but we will figure it out.

But unable to figure it out, the relationship having come to its end... leaving amongst other things the complication of parental rights. and Virginia is not a state where custodial rights of same sex parents are clear or even recognized in most cases. No visitation and involvement in your child's life is at the discretion of your ex?

Yes, presently

Although in the 5 years you resided here in Virginia had established a relationship, a home, a life together. Shared a name. Took on the responsibilities of conceiving a child. Took on the responsibilities of rearing a child, the way that any other couple would with some extraneous circumstances that really go to show how committed you were to family values and building a life together. Not to make comparisons, but I think for all parents and couples understand and relate to this, your role is that of a father in these cases, and in some of those relationships, you know rights of a parent, and usually the father, are not reflected. But you're this child's mother, and you share the bond of motherhood in the same ways, which is what makes the whole situation that much more emotionally complex.

Right

So, relating this story to any mother, a mother would understand if their child was taken from them. Any father would understand the responsibilities that they work so hard to provide and care for and perform those roles of taking care of a family and establishing a family. You're suffering both of those losses. Together, it's something that neither a mother nor a father can appreciate fully. But other women in your situation can understand and empathize. What process do you feel is lacking in federal law and even state law? What provisions need to be made so that you have legal rights to your child and cannot be at the whim of another person?

I think Virginia was probably not most GLBT compassionate state to have chosen to raise our family but I had a job here and that's why we did it. But with everything that Virginia does to try to ensure that anybody who is not a married couple will have to fight to make sure their rights are protected and that's as simple as going back and making any law that unless it is actually marriage, no documentation that is set up whether it is your power of attorneys, your wills, anything else, it doesn't have to be recognized. Virginians made sure of that by voting on it.

I don't care about anything other than.. the fact is I made and provided for a family. I paid, in Virginia, to conceive my child, I pay my taxes, we even buy local and VA finest when we can. To do all the right things, and all I'm asking is for my rights as a parent to be recognized

To allow you to have the rights to your child and to your family.

I am no less of a parent than a 16 year old who gets his girlfriend pregnant.

But you're much more of a parent than that.

They have more rights than I do, yet I'm the one paying into, from my stable job, this Commonwealth. I'm the one that continues to support everything that's going on locally. I'm the one that tries to be involved; tries to make a difference in my community and I'm the one who's being shut out of it.

Do you just want to talk about the importance of a partnership agreement? What it means and how you have come to realize just how important legal matters are when concerning parental rights. Tell us in your own words about your situation regarding parental rights agreements.

We've been together about 7 1/2 years. worked on trying to get pregnant for about 2 yrs..Because of my initial concerns with a known donor we went through a sperm bank to try to salvage my rights as much as possible. When finances ran out, and just emotional effort was low, we finally decided to go with a known donor because it's much a more successful rate - obviously. So we did what we needed to do, putting both our names on the contract with the known donor, did a legal name change to try to protect our family. At that point, I didn't go further in pressing a parenting agreement for the 'what happens if we don't work out?'

Because at times like that you don't think about things like that. You're thinking about bringing a child into this world... you are thinking this is forever... you are now into a relationship 3 years.. maybe 4 years into the relationship and end up spending another 2 years trying to get pregnant. What were some of the things you went through when trying to get pregnant? The processes?

It's challenging to go to doctors around here ... they don't always get the basics of yes we know everything we need to know about the background of getting pregnant because we've researched it enough because everything has to be exact when you're buying sperm because it has to be used within a certain period of time or its not going to be functional anymore. Everything is planned out to the day, the minute, the next cycle...the cycle after that, so it's a non stop emotional roller coaster of planning 'What happens if you do get pregnant? What happens if you don't?' Your next step... being ready to go. You have to have the plans ready with the doctor if that falls through because it's a weekend, because you can't control when you're ovulating. Of course, they would like you to.

(we even considered) What is our backup plan? We learned to do the insemination by ourselves. You don't go into wanting to have a family without thinking about all the logistics that go along with it. It's not just go get drunk at a bar, sleep with somebody and boom! you're pregnant.

Right...

So literally it was as many emotions of wow this is great! This is exciting! It didn't take, let's move on to the next cycle. Going through a couple of losses just adds onto the emotional turmoil that is a constant until you get pregnant. People don't get how intense the process is. You see everybody in the world is pregnant when you're trying to get pregnant. You don't see it before then, but as soon as you're trying, everybody you look at is pregnant.

And also, just the.. most children are born by an accident or..a blessing. But the dedication it takes for the two of you; it really was a dedication. This was a desire to build a family together. Proof positive both you and your partner had to be in this together. It was certainly a-

That was the easiest part for both of us because we both knew from the beginning. we came into our relationship both knowing we were going to be parents. I've known it since I was a child. I will be a mother. My partner was the same way. So it was a very easy transition for us to have that dedication. it wasn't a stretch. I know that for other couples it's been a matter of 'eventually we'll get there; we want to do this, this and this.' For us it was 'how soon can we get there and feel we can provide a good, stable relationship for a child?' We couldn't wait for that time...and then going through with it turning into a business for everybody. Finances are tough anyway. you add trying to have a child, and the people who are in this business try to take advantage of the fact that it is a desperate situation, a desperate moment for those people.. and they can do whatever they want because we will do whatever we need to do in order to have a child.

One of the things I hear echoing was how strong your relationship was. You decided to have a child because you had a strong, solid relationship, you knew in yourself that you would be a mother; your partner knew in herself that you would be a mother, you know throughout the whole process you didn't lose that at all. Even when it came to fruition with the birth of your child you were there. what is the process like on a relationship of having a child together by means of AI?

Once we got pregnant it was the most amazing time. I mean I loved every minute. I was at every appointment. It didn't matter whether it was the random appointment where we weren't going to find anything out. It didn't matter. I was there. From the minute we found out she was pregnant I read to (the child) every night. It's just such an amazing experience to be there from the word go and know that I'm talking to my child, and you know, every time I touch (the child) it was.. wow.. the most amazing process, and then going through and getting the support of our neighbors and our community, it was just amazing.

You really do have an amazing support system, even to this day with you and your partner separated, your neighbors are still here all around you, everyone hoping that your ex can come to terms with the emotional blocks that right now affect your lives and your child's life. There's been a number of people that really have become very close to you through this process. Did it surprise you that any of these couples, these people...did it surprise you just how accepting and open they were when they learned that you were to be mothers?

Sort of, I think we had established ourselves so well in the community that it was a natural progression just like any other young couple and so it was more of, I think, a shock to have them understand what we went thought and clue them in because we kept it quiet until the very end on what we'd done and on how long it had taken us. And to see support from that was, I think, more shocking for me, because I figured more people would just skim over it and move on to 'great, you guys are pregnant!' But have them really hear the time, effort, and persistence it took to get this thing we really, truly wanted for our life--

And that thing was family.

Right

The neighborhood was great. I mean, they embraced us. It was, I mean we couldn't have asked for more support.

You're involved with your local civic league, your neighborhood associations. You're involved with the GLBT community on a number of levels, even being here today and being able to talk about your story is something we know will motivate change. The whole process of change has to begin with one person standing up and a second person following.. and a third person following and coming together, making that voice loud enough to say "Hey! We need to be recognized here and we need to have some laws and legal standings put in place."

The reality of the situation is I don't want anything different. I want it to be equal. I want my life and my (child) and my relationship to mean the same as anybody else. I don't want anything special. I've never asked for anything special. I go to work every day, just like everybody else. I put in my time and do what I can to make my life, my neighbors' lives, everybody in my world have a better time and have a better place to be. All I'm asking is that I get the same respect that I'm giving everybody else and Virginia doesn't have to do that and they won't, until enough people start standing up but it's gonna be the last thing they do. It doesn't matter to them. It doesn't matter that I'm the squeaky clean neighbor who is boring on all accounts.

You ARE the squeaky clean neighbor. You have less of a social life than anyone I know. I say that a little in jest, but honestly your life really is devoted to family and work and helping people; a couple with grown children of their own with whom you share a bond that's like family, every neighbor, you know their name and have been there for in one way or another. We see you out helping everybody all over the place. Even personally, with the people (my interns) I've introduced you to, you take time to help and give attention to... and really do it all.

Your child. What do you want your child to know of this situation?

I would love to protect my child from all of this. I never want (the child) to know what it was like for me. Its not important right now. If, when (the child) turns 18 and wants to know why I wasn't there then I want to be able to give an honest answer without any anger or judgment to it. The only thing I need (the child) to know is that I WANTED to be there. The rest of it is my relationship with my ex, and that's where that needs to stay. The only thing that is important with (the child) is that I love (the child) and I would do anything to have (the child) in my life on a daily basis. (The child) is what makes my world complete. There's not a day that goes by that I don't cry, that I don't miss (the child) . There's not a day that goes by that I don't regret not doing a parenting agreement. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think 'if I had done one thing different in my relationship, maybe it would have changed where we are now.' It doesn't matter, I don't think the relationship is what I want back but I desperately want my (child) back, so much that I would do anything to make that so.

I think that's probably the most noble answer to a question I've ever heard. I think one of the key points is that you don't want your child to know what you're going through and you've taken these measures by sharing your story and hopefully educating some of our public and rallying other parts of our public to be aware of this, so this doesn't ever have to happen with any other couple and that it doesn't need to continue to keep you from your child. An important process in establishing cooperative parenting rights, the equal rights of parents, the shared custody of their child is beginning now for you. You're looking into some of the legal sources and legal recourse to ensure that you have a relationship with your (child). How are you finding these things in Virginia?

I think that no matter where you look right now, its hard to find a case that speaks to what you're going through. You can piece together 50 different pieces and it still doesn't look like your case. I thought I was doing as many things as I could to protect again, my family, not myself. So you try to think..we're changing the name so we won't have trouble at the hospital. We're changing this and we're doing this. You're checking off those boxes but it doesn't matter.

Its really to build the family, not to protect rights.

Right, and I think that's where the difference is. I mean, you can look and I can piece together different pieces of law that would be helpful here and there and I've talked to different lawyers who say "Well your case looks great because you did A, B and C to start with." But it doesn't matter. The reality is that if something happens in Virginia, its gonna be depending on who I'm sitting in front of that day and what they feel like.

Its not a matter of law-

Its not a matter of law, its a matter of judgment. Its a matter of "I think this so it doesn't matter that you've been a provider to this family. It doesn't matter that they were on your insurance. It doesn't matter that you all went into this together. It doesn't matter that you have documentation showing power of attorneys, living wills, everything you can think of legally to try to protect you." It doesn't matter. None of it does. Its a throw of the dice and we'll see what happens. To me, that's the worst thing anybody can ever tell me. They can do that with my life, you can do that with whatever. Do NOT do that with my (child).

What would you ask of your fellow Virginians to do?

I can give you an example. When the vote came up several years ago and essentially it was anything that was made to look like a law that anything that represents any rights of a married couple, they are voting up or down. I think that too many people couldn't see their own situation in that. It was taken from the other side that this was just a gay agenda, let's shoot it down, it'll be fine. But its not. A straight couple that is not married will be affected in the same way. Obviously, when it comes down to paternity issues there's more recourse there but as a general rule, everybody knows somebody that's effected and you may not know it. That's where our community needs to step up and be open and out and live in the community that way. Because then your neighbors do know how it effects others. Everybody in this neighborhood knows when they went to vote that day how it would effect me.

Even just the other day the support of your neighbors and the compassion.... It really is a neighborhood..... You're part of it and its part of you. Living out and being proud of who you are as a family, as a provider, as a person.

That's where we make a difference. We don't have to show how we're different. Its showing them how we are exactly the same as the neighbor on the other side. We eat dinner at 6:00, we're in bed by 10. Well, some of us. (laughs) We're not any different. We get up early, we go to work. We're just as boring as your neighbors on the other side. Our goals are the same, to have a family, to be happy. To do a neighborhood BBQ. We started trying to do things in the neighborhood to bring the neighborhood together. We did a brunch. It started out around Easter, but we wanted to include everyone so it was just a brunch. We hid eggs and we did a pot luck.

Everyone in the neighborhood came, whether they had kids or not. We just enjoyed each others company and it was the coolest thing, It was not the first time like we feel we belonged here, we felt that immediately but it was nice to bring so many people, different people together.. It was amazing how many people responded. It was like nobody had done that before. We brought all the different worlds together. We have many different aspects here in the neighborhood that bring the community together, but it was something special - something revolving around our families... and to see everybody be so excited and it was something so easy.

But it just made it part of.. this is normal. That is what they saw. It wasn't "going to the lesbians' house" for this. It was going to a brunch, and we're gonna do all these fun activities for the kids, and the parents were just gonna be parents and complain about work, or complain about the grass getting too high; the same things you hear no matter who your neighbor is. No matter what happens, Virginia is Virginia and it is gonna drag its feet, doing everything it can to stay good, southern, bible-belt...everything they want to be. The more we stand up...

You've made a difference in your neighborhood. Within a dozen blocks squared you have touched people's lives.

Absolutely.

And you know when THEY go to vote, they vote with a new conscience; a new consciousness, conscientiousness.

My hope is they talk to their families and their friends...

This is something we can only hope to encourage.

You have to be comfortable, and it doesn't have to be a family. It doesn't have to be that unit. When you're comfortable to stand up as an individual and say "I matter, I'm part of this neighborhood, part of this world... I'm no different than you. The more people that do that, the more people that live that life, that's what we need to focus on, not the wonderful movies that portray everybody in boa's and flannel. Our community is just an amazing community. We just need to have the right people standing up and saying "Look at us, we're boring, just like your neighbors."

I think that's a really good point to make is that conceptions of our community have been skewed by some very loud, colorful and at times militant individuals. Respect for our community can best be achieved by accountable and responsible persons speaking up politely and intelligently and bringing light to stories of real people leading real lives affected by real issues and too often injustices - I think that you're certainly an example of this and I'm only sorry that at this point in the process of custody proceedings with your child and the relationship with your ex being as it is, we can't share who you are and that's a very shameful part of the society that we live in now. So many of us are forced into these cloisters. It really is very brave of you emotionally...

Its sounds very hypocritical now, looking at me saying "Stand up and be counted", but the reality is, no matter what, my (child) is first and foremost. I'm counted every single day, but my reality is...

This is about custody. You're very out in your public life.

Absolutely

This is simply a matter of we don't reveal who you are because of custody issues. I bring that up because I want the public that reads this to understand the difference between being out, which you are.. both you and your partner, to family, friends, work, church, everywhere. You certainly do not live closeted. The only reason for protecting your identity tonight is because of custody.

My (child) trumps everything.

And (the child) should! We need give the same attention as we would to a heterosexual couple who was going through the same custodial complications. We must continue ensuring family values, protecting child and parental rights.

The GLBT community is family values every family is valued.

Virginia Must Enforce Gay Visitation Rights

From the Washington Blade

The U.S. Supreme Court has let stand a ruling of the Virginia Supreme Court providing that Virginia must enforce a Vermont court order awarding child-visitation rights to a mother's former lesbian partner. The now "ex-gay" Lisa Miller (pictured at far left) had claimed that the Virginia Supreme Court improperly ignored a state law and constitutional amendment that prohibit same-sex unions and the recognition of such arrangements from other states. Hopefully, this will bring to an end the legal circus put on by Lisa Miller and her homophobic (and probably closeted) legal counsel from Liberty Counsel, Matt Staver. Here are highlights from WRIC-TV 8 in Richmond, Virginia:

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The decision let stand a victory for Janet Jenkins, who has been fighting for visitation rights since the dissolution of the civil union she and Miller obtained in Vermont in 2000. Miller gave birth to the daughter, Isabella, in 2002, and the child was at the center of a legal battle closely watched by national conservative and gay-rights groups.

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More details on the Miller-Jenkins legal war are found in a new Newsweek article that went to press prior to the U.S. Supreme Court's rejection of the case. Personally, I view Lisa Miller as the typical bogus "ex-gay" who is making a career out of being allegedly cured - she works for a Christian school - and has used her supposed cure as a hook by which she has garnered support from vehemently anti-gay groups and churches. Here are some highlights from Newsweek:

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[O]n July 1, 2004—the very day Virginia enacted a new statute (the Marriage Affirmation Act) prohibiting any legal recognition of same-sex marriages or civil unions—Miller filed for sole custody, and a Virginia judge awarded it to her. She'd also accepted pro bono representation from Florida's Liberty Counsel, a legal firm whose goal is "advancing religious freedom, the sanctity of human life and the traditional family." It receives partial funding from the late Jerry Falwell's church, and Miller's main attorney, Mat Staver, is its founder as well as dean of Falwell's Liberty University School of Law.

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Staver used Virginia's Marriage Affirmation Act and the Federal Defense of Marriage Act (the latter says states can deny recognition of same-sex marriages that are deemed legal in other states) to bolster his client's case. Last June, it was decided that the kidnapping law trumped the marriage acts, and the Virginia Supreme Court ruled in Jenkins's favor. Miller's legal firm hopes to challenge the rulings upheld in Vermont and Virginia by petitioning the U.S. Supreme Court to hear their case (they've had two requests denied and recently filed a third). As it stands, the outcome of Miller v. Jenkins represents a victory for the rights of gay parents.